It is with a very sad heart

that I share the news that John and I have lost our baby.
On Monday morning, we went in for what we thought was a routine check up of the baby, when the Dr was unable to locate a heartbeat through the Doppler. He then did an ultrasound and it was confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat and that the baby had passed away.
The baby was 15 weeks along and too large for me to have a D&C, so they scheduled us to induce labor yesterday morning at 9am. It was a long, hard day but at 7:30pm, I did deliver the baby... which was a little boy.
John and I were both able to hold the baby, and have an opportunity to say goodbye and tell him we loved him. I even fell asleep with him in my arms- which is something I did with both Jack and Anna Grace when they were babies. It was so hard to let go, knowing this was the only time I would get to hold my baby.
We named him James.
His little body was send to the funeral home for cremation - and John and I will decide what to do with the ashes at a later time. We know there won't be much, but we wanted whatever there was to be with us.
On Monday afternoon, I was absolutely inconsolable. John and I were both just terribly heartbroken. As he and I sat together and cried- something came to him. He remembered something his dad had said right before he passed away. He said that one of his biggest regrets was that he would not be around to see his grandchildren. As soon as he reminded me of this- I felt a great sense of peace... that little baby James will be with his Grandfather in heaven- how happy he must be to have a grandchild with him. I never met John's dad but I always imagined him to have John's quiet, gentle spirit- and I am so glad to know that someone like my John was the one to meet him in heaven.

Thank you for the prayers, emails, cards, flowers, and food that you all have sent to us. We are so blessed with amazing friends and family.

Thank you for your continued prayers through this grieving time.

Love, John and Suzanne

Through the 1st trimester...

Well, I made it through the first trimester... I was beginning to think I was just going to sleep through the whole thing. I was not tired at all with the twins, but this one baby has worn me out- all I want to do is sleep. I am beginning to feel a lot better- and actually able to stay awake past 8:00 PM. John has been great with helping with the kids, helping around the house- and he has even made dinner a few times (mexican food, of course).

We have had just a few issues with this pregnancy with some bleeding, but the Dr says I am still doing fine. I went to see him just last week and heard the baby's heart beat strong.

I go next week to the fetal specialist for a check up and to meet with the genetic specialist. Although Goldenhar's Syndrome is not genetic, since I did have a child with a birth defect, they will keep an eye on me and the baby just to make sure all is doing well. I am also hoping to find out the sex of the baby sooner than later- since I will go to the specialist with the high-def ultrasound machines (I found out with the twins around this time). John calls it "his boy" but I am hoping for another girl!!! I will be happy if it is a boy, but I did want a sister for Anna Grace- after all, where would I be without my sisters??? Oh well- if it is a boy we can always try for a baby #4!!! :-)

I attached a funny video of John playing with Jack- he is screaming like a girl but he really did love it!

Love to all,
Suzanne